I have sat down to write so many times, but I just can’t come up with the right words (or many words) at all. I’m doing my best to take in every moment and experience it for what it is. The days are this strange feeling of both long and short. It really is difficult to describe unless you’ve been here. So here is what I’m going to do: I am pretty much just going to word vomit on here and see what sounds good. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure Jaron reads it first, but there will be no rhyme or reason to this specific blog. Just my thoughts and feelings so far. Good luck reading them!
To start out, Everly is officially ONE WEEK OLD! How is that possible all ready? She is doing so great. A week ago, we didn’t even know what this past week would look like, and here we are getting to celebrate all the milestones. We even celebrated when she pooped for this first time. It’s the little things in life. She has made so much progress in such a short amount of time. I think the doctors and the nurses are even surprised by it. I know I am. But you know who isn’t, God.
God knew this was the plan the whole time. This was not by mistake or accident, God knew what He was doing. That is so easy for me to type out and so easy on a certain level to believe, but to say that I haven’t questioned God or His plan would be a lie. I would love to tell you that every step of the way, I knew that God was there, but there were moments where I doubted or I just thought that this wasn’t fair.
It was a strange feeling. How could I have doubts and see the miracles that God is doing through Everly? How could I have doubts, but so many other people are praying for her continued recovery? How could I have doubts and still call myself a believer?
I have been wrestling with these questions almost every day. Sometimes, I have a small cry session because of it. But then I am reminded to “Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds because the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it’s work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” I’m not going to lie to you and tell you this is easy. Trials are not my strong suit. I would love to avoid them, but God has a plan, and even when I’m doubting, I still need to trust in Him.
I’m honestly not sure if any of that makes sense, but that is how I feel. This hasn’t been easy by any means, but I do know who is in control.